he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
