He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
