Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
