Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
