I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
