i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
