I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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