did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
