dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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