I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
