Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
