remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
