I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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