break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I'm really into asian looking animals
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
