You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
