i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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