I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
