my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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