My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
