he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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