batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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