he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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