Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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