I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
