do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
