dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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