Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
