At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
