The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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