Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
