I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Just puked most of my soul out..
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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