I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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