i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just cut my nipple shaving
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
i think i just lost a toe
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