Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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