woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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