I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
