I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
