turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
This house was built for laser tag.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
My legs feel like baby dolphins
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
