Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
