how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
