Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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