My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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