My Higher Power is John Stamos
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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