i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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