At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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