What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
