I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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