Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i dont even know how to be here
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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