Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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