Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
